Good morning and happy hump day to those at work, only 2 more days till your weekend. I have been off work since Friday afternoon and most people who follow me on instagram would know why. I have become more open with my personal life on the internet and in general with friendships/relationships because I am really wanting to encourage love and truth within myself and others.
Something I have been struggling with over the past couple of days is coming off a medication that I have been on for the past 6-8 months for an undiagnosed nerve problem that I have been suffering from for the past 2 years. This medication was both a saviour and a curse. I had many problems but I also had some amazing results. The negatives have outweighed the positives so I spoke with my GP and we discussed weening me off it. So the above is currently what I am and have been going through over the past week. I am not going to lie about how difficult this is for me to discuss as I have been struggling a lot with withdrawals and reoccurring nerve pain.
As I have written on my instagram post, I am discussing this because I feel it is something that people need to learn and be informed about. Medication can definitely help but it can also cause so much more heartache. Throughout the past 6 months I definitely stopped being in as much pain but I lost most emotional connection with a lot of things in my life, I also had some major memory loss during outings with friends, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, labido loss and much more. If I had my time again I would definitely have tried a more holistic approach but I was in pain, I needed a quick fix and I am happy to say that I am now going to try and resolve this undiagnosed nerve problem in a more natural way whatever that may be. So wish me luck, I know it is going to be a long journey.
I am so blessed to have my partner and to really start to realise who my true and dearest of friends are throughout this entire process. I thank you so much for all your help and encouragement.
My beautiful flowers I received coming home from the hospital yesterday. <3
This brings me to the next part of my blog.
I entered into a competition the other day and it was all about writing what it is you are most proud of or what you have achieved over the past 4 years. I had never really thought about this deeply. I had to go to a place that I was actually not very comfortable going, not because I am not proud of what I am or what I have achieved but because I have always found it hard to talk about myself or encourage/love myself. I thought I would share what I ended up entering.
“What am I most proud of? What a question and where do I start. I know that this is supposed to be based on a 4-year period of your life but I am so very proud of how I have turned my entire life around throughout my life. I mean the past 4 years have been both painful and eventful but my life is a novel waiting to be told and I am only 26 years old.
Cutting a life story short as much as possible, I will just briefly explain: I spent my entire childhood being mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused along with my sister and two brothers. (I hope they are ok with me sharing this) We endured so much along with my mother from my father and really never knew what it was like to live a normal life (whatever normal is). We were lucky to have someone come and help us escape from my father and spent two long years in a shelter hiding from my father… At the end of all this I would say I was 12/13- during our entire childhood/upbringing my mother was not allowed to touch us, love us, feed us or teach us. I spent a lot of my time growing up and becoming mother to my siblings, mainly my oldest brother who I think struggled the most. We ended up finally getting to attend school, only to be picked on and struggle badly as we had never spent time with other children and had not been taught anything about school. My siblings either ran away from home, struggling with my mothers new partner who also struggled with anger, (I think it was more to do with taking on four pretty messed up kids) or just dropped out of school. (I am super proud of all my siblings now as they are all doing as well as the can having gone through what they went through- one of the reasons I have had the ability to get through is because of there determination and strength). During this time I had promised myself that I would never allow myself to let my father get the better of me or let myself get the better of me. I promised myself to complete school and to get a good job and to find someone who would never abuse me.
This brings me to the past four years of my life, I can not pin point exactly where I was but I do know that I was not happy. I may have succeeded in areas of my life, such as work. I was an office manager for a neurosurgeon practice and had previously worked as a high school counsellor. I had completed study after school, year 12 and was now studying Business management. I may have succeeded in having plenty of friends which I had never had as a young person and I was in a relationship with someone that I thought I was going to marry. Having all of these things did not help me with that feeling I felt every day when I woke up and lay staring at my roof just thinking about how hurt, sad and alone I was. I spent many, many years like this, I would cry a lot, fight a lot with my partner and I would fight with myself a lot as well. I used to look in the mirror every day thinking how ugly I was, yet I modelled, thinking that I was worthless and that I didn’t deserve anything and also drinking and smoking myself into even more sadness. I mean I had great moments, enjoyed good times and loved those in my life, but I was so unhappy within myself. I eventually realised that I was not where I was suppose to be, it took me a good 9 months to finally build the courage to leave my partner in the house we had together, (This being the hardest thing I ever did as I had spent 4/5 years with someone I would say was my best friend) to move out and live alone in a little unit and to get a completely new job. Having done this (after crying a lot) I felt amazing, I had finally made some decisions for myself and I started getting my independence back. I finally had some strength.
Moving on…. the past two years have probably been the most amazing two years of my life. I would not have said this two years ago but I sure do feel that way now. I have met the love of my life, got engaged in New York, lost my full time job, lost all my belongings in a flood, found a new place to live, suffered from back problems and nerve pain, lost friends, made new friends, found a new job, and much more, but something I am mostly proud of is that during all of this I finally learned how to let go and to love myself. I think it all started 12 months ago when I started yoga teacher training; I was going through so much with my body constantly being in pain from an as yet undiagnosed issue with my nerves, and I was also working through a lot of internal emotional distress stemming from my childhood. Throughout the process of learning yoga I really started to learn about myself. I addressed many old issues that I had been battling with my entire life and I also learnt how to communicate with not only my partner but my friends and family. I let go of the worry that I was going to somehow be punished for everything I did in my life and allowed love to shine and overflow. This will be a constant journey for me but everyday gets easier and I feel happier and brighter knowing this about myself. I am now getting back into helping others through counselling and yoga, I teach them but I am also teaching myself. I am realising that things are just things and they have no power over my now and my future and that all I want to do is be happy and surround myself with happiness, love and light.”
I am very proud of myself for just writing this. I actually felt a cleanse and I hope that by me sharing this with you I can encourage those who may be going through something similar or are dealing with ongoing issues to write down the things you are proud off, to learn to let go and to learn to love yourself for who you are and how strong you are. Something to remind yourself everyday is that you are stronger than you think you are, you will be scared but you will make it through and there are so many other people out there who’s hearts are open to help and love you.
Last of all I am doing a giveaway which I am going to draw this weekend. If you would be interested in getting involved please see the capture below, find me on my instragram, share, follow and repost.
Thank you for letting me share, much love.